


Just a Push

by Latinuser



Category: Tales of - Fandom, Tales of Vesperia, tov - Fandom
Genre: Gen, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-30
Updated: 2018-06-30
Packaged: 2019-05-31 03:04:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15110495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Latinuser/pseuds/Latinuser
Summary: “Why are you here? How are you alive? What are you doing now?” There’s a pause and Alexei does not want to hear the next question. He knows what it’s going to be. He sees it in her Majesty’s face and he wants it to be dropped, but unfortunately she takes a breath as-if steeling herself. “Why did you do what you did?”





	Just a Push

Uncalled for.

That is what Alexei would clarify this  _ entire _ meeting. Sitting down with the princess, his fingers tapping uncomfortably against the edge of a chair while her Majesty, Estellise slowly poured a cup of tea and offered it towards the ex-commandant. Declining, Alexei tried to right himself, mentally going through the entire reason for this. Punishment seemed to be the best answer. 

Continuing to tap his fingers her Majesty, Estellise took a sip of her tea.

“You never answered me.”

_ Here it comes _ .

Alexei’s finger stopped tapping for a second, his back straightened, his expression flattening, mouth pursing, shifting his weight back into his chair as he eyed over her Majesty’s own posture. Proper, back straight, legs crossed at the ankle, her gaze directly on him. 

“Why are you here? How are you alive? What are you doing now?” There’s a pause and Alexei does not want to hear the next question. He knows what it’s going to be. He sees it in her Majesty’s face and he wants it to be dropped, but unfortunately she takes a breath as-if steeling herself. “Why did you do what you did?”

A stillness follows after the final question.

There’s an  _ itching _ as his finger goes back to tapping away, the slight bouncing of a foot, gaze anywhere now but at the heir apparent. Trying to think through this.

The entire reason he’d even  _ agreed _ to this ridiculous request was because he felt  _ guilty _ (even though he shouldn’t feel that way, nor let his emotions push him in such  _ uncalled _ [there is that word again] directions) and now he was paying the consequences. He didn’t want to be here.

Alexei was  _ finally _ beginning to be able to move on. Finally able to lift his head once more without  _ feeling _ as if every word he spoke was something horrid and  _ wrong _ .

Perhaps this was the world’s way of reminding him  _ he shouldn’t be _ . That he should always duck his head and  _ hide _ . There’s a tightness in his throat as Alexei makes the princess  _ wait _ . Her own finger tracing odd details in the tea cup, not daring to take another drink.

Clearing his throat, Alexei took a breath, forcing hands to come together in his lap, crossing one leg over the other. His gaze still not quite meeting her Majesty’s.

“I do not believe it is important to be explained. Actions speak for themselves.”

_ Hate him _ .

The words are unsaid, but it is implied, he believes. There’s a noise, something in the back of Estellise’s throat as she is looking at him. He  _ knows _ she is. He can  _ feel _ it. Her frustration at his answer, at how he is carefully working through this conversation.

“You’re making this very difficult.”

Alexei loosened his fingers from their position on his lap to lift them, gesturing lightly with a wave. “We could both say the same thing of each other. Your insistence on this meeting-”

“-Is understandable given what you’ve done!”

There was no response to give other then a sharp sucking in of breath. Alexei did not appreciate this. He’s been  _ living _ . Quietly. He’s been keeping to himself,  _ away _ from others except a very small handful (of which that handful came to  _ him _ , not the other way around) and he was trying. Why would she see that? Why would she even  _ care _ ?

“It is still-” he  _ begins _ , but never finishes as the soft  _ clink _ of glass against wood interrupts him.

“I  _ deserve _ an answer,  _ Alexei _ .”

Deserve?

_ Deserve _ ?

A deep breath is sucked into Alexei’s throat. Keep calm.  _ He _ is the adult here. Ignorance is not something anyone  _ should be _ punished for. Actions were.

“You  _ know _ I do. Do you- I- you’ve hidden  _ everything _ from me. So  _ give me _ this!”

She doesn’t know what she’s asking for.

“I am  _ here _ , because I am alive. I am  _ alive _ because I…” was scared, “...was clever. And I am  _ living _ . There. There are your answers. Now, if you will excuse me.”

Alexei goes to stand and he sees her move as he does.

“Those aren’t answers and you know it.”

Her voice is more  _ restrained _ now. Keeping itself together more appropriately than before. Trying hard, Alexei thinks, to keep from being too aggravated at his evasion tactics. 

“Besides, you left something out.”

“Did I?”

He could almost  _ feel _ her teeth gritting together before the release of air escapes, “Why, Alexei?”

There’s no answer. Not at first. Alexei’s fingers tapping once more. This time at his pant leg. A nervous  _ tick _ he has. Usually he can  _ hide it _ . Whether it’s be forcing his hand be still or by a desk, but in this situation, Alexei is too  _ itchy _ . He hasn’t had enough time to  _ think _ , and he cannot, for the life of him, think of  _ why _ , in this circumstance, that her Majesty  _ cares _ . There was no reason to care.

The only thing she should do is  _ hate him _ .

Like  _ everyone else _ .

That was easier to handle than whatever  _ this _ was. This digging for information, desperately clinging to  _ something _ . Memories, perhaps, of when they both were  _ younger _ . She had been  _ five _ when they first met,  _ six _ when he became commandant, and then  _ eight _ when the war had started.

It all seemed like a day ago when it had happened.

“It does not matter.” Insisting as such was his only safe guard against those memories. His shoulders stiffening, his eyes closing, hand coming up to rub the bridge of his nose. “It is done. That is all.”

Trying to leave is hard because just one glance (he permits one and he regrets it almost instantly) tells him how she feels. Her fingers are balled up in her dress, her head is ducked, her brows furrowed and there’s the edges of  _ tears _ in her gaze. But she isn’t  _ sad _ . No. No Alexei  _ knows _ what sad looks like.

This is  _ anger _ .

Good.

She should- “Tell me why.” - _ this again _ . Alexei let out a frustrated sigh. He doesn’t want to. “ _ Tell me. Why. _ ” The way her Majesty insists is irritating. For multiple reasons.

“It doesn’t-”

“-It  _ matters _ to  _ me _ , Alexei! You keep on saying  _ it’s done _ ,  _ it’s over _ , it doesn’t  _ matter _ , but  _ you _ hurt me! You  _ really badly _ hurt me, and I just can’t accept it. I can’t. I  _ need you _ to tell me.”

There’s a tightening in his throat as Alexei has to bite on his tongue. His fingers  _ twitching _ uncomfortably, stopping their tapping.

“Please!  _ For once in your life _ , think of someone else!”

Alexei turns on his heel and he’s  _ taller than her _ . He knows he is, but he forgets sometimes just how much. Her head jerking back to meet his eyes and there’s  _ frustration _ . Not just in her eyes, but his as well. Both  _ paranoid _ and poised, as if they were to be attacked.

There’s water clinging to the edges of a determined expression, one hand quick to move behind her skirts to what Alexei can only  _ determine _ to be her weapon.

“You don’t know  _ anything _ about me, your Majesty.” The words are hissed through teeth, “Do not be so  _ presumptuous _ then to assume-”

“How do you expect me to  _ know _ anything when you won’t  _ answer _ !”

The response  _ rocks _ the commandant for only a second before he’s  _ back _ , both still on their feet, but he’s turning now, the princess’s hand coming  _ so close _ to touching at his arm before he’s yanking away. Pacing, he had to  _ pace _ . Six steps left, twelve the opposite direction. Breathing slow, carefully.

He had no right to be frustrated.

He had no right to be  _ worked up _ at all.

“Alexei-”

“- _ Quiet _ .” The growl is an unnatural noise from Alexei’s throat and he despises it.

“ **_No._ ** You don’t have the  _ right _ or the authority to tell me what to do anymore!” the Princess’ voice raises sharply and Alexei’s stops his movement. Part of him wants to turn on her, but another wants to just  _ dismiss _ her. Logically that is what he should do, but there is  _ truth _ to what she says. If he does not speak, how would she know otherwise? It was conflicting, frustrating,  _ confusing _ .

Physically  _ distressing _ .

He does not pace again, but he’s tapping his foot, his finger, his teeth digging into his lower lip as he’s not even  _ paying attention _ to his facial expression anymore. To the body language he is displaying. It is a thing most never would see from the prior commandant, but he needs his full concentration  _ thinking _ . Not speaking.

The princess is  _ waiting _ . Waiting for him to get angry, to get mad. (He should! He should get mad. Tell her off. But that would just be playing into her hands.) Dismissing this stubborn  _ child _ is a problem, she won’t leave him alone if he does, but maybe if she get’s frustrated enough she would just  _ leave him _ . Leave him be, leave him alone, simply  _ leave _ . Is that a bad thing to hope for?

“I…”

How would Alexei even  _ begin _ to explain the complexities of a government? The way it worked, how he had to hold himself, how he had  _ all of these justifications _ , but none of them made it  _ right _ .

“...It was…”

He’s slowly stopped moving, his hands coming up, crossing over his chest as he’s trying to find the right words to  _ articulate _ himself.

“ _ Everything _ .”

He had been  _ so young _ when he’d been promoted to Commandant. Fresh out of the Academy, Just barely old enough to be considered  _ alright _ for the position when he’d won that tourney. A test of  _ skill _ . His ambitions were simple things, to bring an end to the incompetence of the Knights, to open it up for all those who wished to protect their city.

And he’d done it! With his second command.

“There were so many  _ holes _ in the system, injustices getting away that I could do nothing about.”

He had to keep moving forward. His body lurched into motion. Pacing back and forth, his hands now moving, in the air, his voice cut and sharp. There were so many things he could point to. So many  _ politicians _ he had put out of their seats, so much blackmail he had gathered to make them  _ sit down _ instead of rip apart what he was building together.

“From the  _ very beginning _ , and that isn’t including when the war began. Then when it ended, the souls in the tower, a noblemen, the insistence of a dead man I couldn’t save-” all of it had  _ dropped _ on Alexei, on his shoulders. As if he had the answers. “-I was supposed to keep everything together. How do you keep them together when all are  _ blind _ to the system? So I worked. I worked and I ripped it apart. Piece by piece.” He’s moving quicker, longer strides, trying to get some form of  _ movement _ in this room, his words piecing together faster as well.

“I fixed it, or tried to. I dug for information, stories, anything I could get my hands on that would  _ solve _ the problem, that would fix  _ everything _ .” He’d been told in that time what he was.  _ The perfect knight _ . The perfect thing to base  _ everything _ on. 

His words start stumbling after that point, rolling over each other as he tries to tell it. Tries to explain  _ everything _ . The deals, the agreements, the stories he’d found, the information he hadn’t. He’s frustrated, still, but even as he stumbles around the words, the statements, it’s  _ calculated _ , things he remembers doing.

That he wouldn’t do different...because he knew at the time, they were right. Or, parts of it was.

“No one could know-nobody, I had to, had to keep going.” The death, the blood, the gore on his hands. The singed fingertips, the loss, the pain, the nightmares. “I.”

“I. It had.”  _ It had to work _ . If it didn’t, he had failed them all, failed everyone.

                He had been such a fool.   
                    The greatest of them all.

“It wouldn’t.” Work, nothing  _ worked _ , but it did at the same time. And by the time Alexei would even  _ question it _ , he’d been too far gone. “I was…” He’s talking less and less now, his fingers starting to shake his throat tight, his eyes unable to leave the floor as he tried. Tried to hide how  _ worked up _ this entire conversation made him.

He couldn’t move past it. No matter how hard he tried. Because things like  _ this _ kept happening. Kept pushing him. Kept on hitting him in the head. He should know better by this point then, he supposed. His nightmares a reality of what he  _ needed _ . Reminders that nothing he did would ever be worth forgiving. No matter how much help he was.

No matter how he  _ tried _ .

He should know that by now. He’s learned that lesson how many times? (But sometimes it was different, Capel- Capel had saved him in that manner. Had offered him something none of the group even thought to do. A hand to help him, to get over himself.)

A hand slowly, hesitantly touches at his shoulder and Alexei is stiffening as the gloved fingers gently curl about the man’s shoulder and rub. Small, soothing, hesitant movements.

A weak laugh falls. Defeated, almost.

“It’s too much to ask.”

He cannot speak  _ more _ of it. Even if she were to push. This is all the space he could give, and it had been more than he had given any of the others.

“Too much…”

Her majesty’s voice says something, hesitant as it was, but Alexei does not hear it. Instead, he goes to lightly brush her hand off. Large calloused hands collecting hers in something more soothing than any other than the small Capel would anticipate (and even him at first,) before pushing them away, and he stands.

Tall. Tall as he could. His expression quick to pull back emotion, hiding behind eyes and a pursed mouth. A rigid, awkward bow follows. A soft mumble escaping him of: “excuse me” and he leaves.

Pulling his hood over his face afterwards.

Silence enveloping the room, the tea cold, and a princess left to her own devices.

**Author's Note:**

> hOLY COW this took me longer than I anticipated. Like seriously. It also didn't become as impactful emotionally as I wanted it to? But I did spend a long time on this and do want to share it. So!! Hope you all enjoy it.
> 
> Let's see Alexei Dinoia as a little more gray of a character now, can we? Just maybe?


End file.
